Where you been Uncle History?

I wanted to let my dear Tumblr friends know that while the Uncle hasn’t posted in a while, it’s for a good reason. Uncle History is writing a book, a biography of the U.S. presidents. He’s been spending his spare time doing this. Wish me luck. 

February 28, 1764: 23-year-old Lord Gitwankerprat, fancying himself an explorer, returns from a maiden journey that took him 17 miles outside of London. The young lord regales an amazed London peerage with wild tales of bicorns and nocorns. A more-savvy member of the aristocracy points out that what Gitwankerprat actually saw were bulls and horses, and that the young lord is an idiot, making Gitwankerprat cry.

February 27, 1813: For the first time, the U.S. government passes legislation for a national vaccination to fight the scourge of the vapors.

February 26, 1815: Napoleon escapes from Elba. Feeling safe after his exile the previous April, France’s clowns emerged from their underground lairs and chased the mimes from the streets. First viewed as liberators, the nation’s populace soon regretted their elation as they became constantly harassed by clowns, who stalked France’s citizens with big, floppy, honking shoes; flowers that squirted wine; and too-large pants that bobbed up and down on rubber suspenders. Hearing of his nation’s plight, an enraged Napoleon escaped to retake France. Realizing the Emperor was on his way, the clowns ran for it, bandy-legged and with flapping arms, into Belgium with Napoleon hot on the heels of their enormous shoes. While in Belgium, Napoleon was attacked by a coalition of nations at Waterloo.

February 22, 1732: America’s first president, George Washington, is born. Washington’s parents were concerned about young George’s future when his first words were, “Don’t touch me.”

February 7, 1812: Lord George Gordon Byron delivers a speech to House of Lords, his first to the chamber. The English poet informs the gentry, “I’ve slept with all of your wives.”

February 6, 2012: Queen Elizabeth II marks 60 years as Britain’s monarch. To celebrate the occasion, the Queen whacks husband Prince Phillip 60 times with a stick. The Queen insists the practice is tradition. While historians cannot validate Elizabeth’s claim, they refuse to speak up because Phillip could do with a “right-good whuppin’.”

February 5, 1917: Congress passes an Immigration Act. Overriding President Woodrow Wilson’s veto, the act limits and, in some cases, bans East Asian immigrants to the U.S. The plan also calls for a giant fence to be built in the Pacific Ocean.  

February 4, 2013: Archaeologists announce the discovery of the bones of Richard III. The ill-fated English king’s remains were uncovered beneath a parking lot in Leicester. They didn’t find a horse.

January 17, 1900: The Yaqui declare their independence from Mexico. The peyote-using natives also said they wanted independence from “all these damn snakes and bats.”