Where you been Uncle History?

I wanted to let my dear Tumblr friends know that while the Uncle hasn’t posted in a while, it’s for a good reason. Uncle History is writing a book, a biography of the U.S. presidents. He’s been spending his spare time doing this. Wish me luck. 

February 28, 1764: 23-year-old Lord Gitwankerprat, fancying himself an explorer, returns from a maiden journey that took him 17 miles outside of London. The young lord regales an amazed London peerage with wild tales of bicorns and nocorns. A more-savvy member of the aristocracy points out that what Gitwankerprat actually saw were bulls and horses, and that the young lord is an idiot, making Gitwankerprat cry.

February 27, 1813: For the first time, the U.S. government passes legislation for a national vaccination to fight the scourge of the vapors.

February 22, 1732: America’s first president, George Washington, is born. Washington’s parents were concerned about young George’s future when his first words were, “Don’t touch me.”

February 7, 1812: Lord George Gordon Byron delivers a speech to House of Lords, his first to the chamber. The English poet informs the gentry, “I’ve slept with all of your wives.”

February 6, 2012: Queen Elizabeth II marks 60 years as Britain’s monarch. To celebrate the occasion, the Queen whacks husband Prince Phillip 60 times with a stick. The Queen insists the practice is tradition. While historians cannot validate Elizabeth’s claim, they refuse to speak up because Phillip could do with a “right-good whuppin’.”

February 5, 1917: Congress passes an Immigration Act. Overriding President Woodrow Wilson’s veto, the act limits and, in some cases, bans East Asian immigrants to the U.S. The plan also calls for a giant fence to be built in the Pacific Ocean.  

February 4, 2013: Archaeologists announce the discovery of the bones of Richard III. The ill-fated English king’s remains were uncovered beneath a parking lot in Leicester. They didn’t find a horse.

January 17, 1900: The Yaqui declare their independence from Mexico. The peyote-using natives also said they wanted independence from “all these damn snakes and bats.” 

January 15, 1346: Bavarian Emperor Louis IV gives Holland to his wife, the first time there were geopolitical consequences because a husband forgot to buy an anniversary present.